What is love like?
by madoka154
Summary: Have you ever felt what it's like to be unloved? To be tossed aside, to make room for someone else. To feel worthless and unwanted. Or to be second best at everything, no matter how hard you try. To have never been able to feel what love is like. Or to have never had friends. Well I have, and I'm sick of it! Rated T for Cutting, attempted suicide, and Roma's mouth.
1. Prologue

_The saddest thing is when you are feeling real down, you look around and realize that there is no shoulder for you._

_~Unknown_

* * *

_PROLOGUE _

Have you ever felt what it's like to be unloved? To be tossed aside, to make room for someone else. To feel worthless and unwanted. Or to be second best at everything, no matter how hard you try. To have never been able to feel what love is like. Or to have never had friends. Well I have, and I'm sick of it! No matter what I do, I'll know that I'll never be the best at anything. Or to even be the best at the slightest at things. I never will be anything, but a waste of space.

A nobody who everyone looks down at, and makes fun of. I'm nothing special, nor will I ever be to both me or anyone else. My own decisions bring me nothing but pain and misery. I cry all the time, and must seem pretty weak and useless.

Wait a minute! I don't seem that way, because I know that I am. A coward who can't even stand on his two own feet with out crashing back down in a sea of pain and longing. I'll never know what joy feels like, or what happiness is like. My heart is nothing but a black hole of darkness, that pushes away everyone who even has the slightest care and respect for me.

But I don't care anyway. They don't care about me, so I won't care about them. I just hope that someday. I don't grow to care for another, and for that person to care for me. I don't want to feel what others do, and it just come crashing down on me. More pain stacked on more pain like bricks. I have already felt to much for my heart to have to deal with anything of the sorts. Thinking about all of this is making me sad. Knowing that I'll never love or be loved by another. To never laugh or to smile a genuine smile that I have kept locked up, all these years.

What is it like to smile. I have always wondered what it is like to smile when you're happy. The only smile I have ever shown was around Feli...But even that was fake...

Feli...He smiles no matter what situation he is in. And he always keeps his head up high. And I just hope, that I will never see that smile of his. Disappear into nothing.

I haven't even told him about my cutting addiction, nor do I plan on doing it anytime soon. If I do, i know that his smile most certainly leave...Cutting...My only answer and escape to anything and everything. I have been doing this for 3 years now. And both him and nonno haven't suspected a thing about it. But why would they. Feli is busy mostly with his friends, and nonno is to busy yelling at me to care about if I cut or not. He hates me too...Just like the rest of them...No love...No respect...No family...No shoulder to cry on...No hope...

All I have, is my dark heart. So cold and bitter, that no one can save it from breaking and shattering. But...What is Love like...?What does it feel like to love...? And to be loved back...?

I sigh. Here I go again with this whole love thing. I mean really it's not like I want to feel something as stupid and pathetic as that...But I still can't help but wonder what it is like...

Will I ever be able to feel that too...? Or live a life of nothing for the rest of my life...

* * *

_Author's note: Why hello there my young ones~ So how did you like the prologue? I'm usually better at this kind of stuff than humor or adventure and what not. This story is going to be a few chapters long so i hope you enjoy~_


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

_'This is it, no holding back anymore..I will do this'_

Standing in the bathroom leaning over the sink, I clutch the sharp knife that I hold my my hand tightly. Slowly shifting my gaze up to the mirror, I take a long look at myself and scowl.

_'How could anyone like me deserve to live..? I'm a pathetic piece of shit with nothing to lose. With no hopes or dreams. No love, smarts, or talent. Disgusting!'_

I start to think about all the people who have treated me like garbage, who think I'm a disease that needs to disappear, or those who mock me and spread rumors.

The images of today's run-in with the bullies started flashing through my mind.

* * *

_"Hey loser how's it going!" My eyes widen at the voice, already knowing fully well who it was. Barely having time to back my hand away safely out of my locker, it slams shut letting out a loud yelp in pain. The bully smirked along with his other two friends behind him. _

"_So did you finish it?" He asked me. _

"_F-finish what?" Rubbing my sore hand, I looked up at him knowing full well of what he was talking about. He grabbed the collar of my shirt and pushed me back into the locker, looking straight in my eyes._

"_You know what I'm talking about! Where's my homework that you were suppose to finish!?" He growls. _

_I gulp and reach down to my bag and pull out the work and shakily hand it to him. He snatches it and turns around. Thinking that he was leaving I sigh, but to soon I should say. _

_He swiftly turns around and punches me in the stomach. I grunt and fall to the floor in pain. I look up before he grabs my shirt again and repeatedly throws punches and kicks along with his friends doing the same._

_For what seemed like hours, they finally stop and smirk down at me. Limp on the floor, covered in bruises and blood. Tears threatening to spill over. He bends down in front of me, face-to-face and whispers._

"_You're so pathetic. Why don't you just kill yourself now and get it over with. You will never be as good as anyone, nor will you ever be as good as your own brother. He just better at everything unlike you, so you should just give up." _

_My eyes widen and I look at him..'My brother...' Why..Why does everyone always compare me to him? I am already fully aware that I am nothing like him, and that I never will. But why? And..._

_Why can I never fight back?_

* * *

All of the contain bullying and teasing by these people was enough to make me break me down into a full fit of sobs. It hurts so much, as there isn't anything I can do about it.

I can't fight back, and I can't tell an adult. Considering that they wont do shit and that would just make the bullying worse. I would most definitely be getting something much more worse than a few punches or kicks. And the name calling. I make it seem like I don't care about it...but that's not true..

_'Fat'_

_'Pathetic'_

_'Stupid'_

___'Faggot'_

_'Crazy'_

_'Piece of shit'_

_'Loner'_

_'Weak'_

Those tears that I have always keep back from years of torture finally let loose, spilling down my cheeks.

"What did I ever do to those people..? What did i ever do to deserve this?" I grip the knife tighter, and wipe the tears away but to no avail they keep falling. 'Why does this have to happen to me!'

Feeling all of my anger build up, I take the knife and place it to my wrist, slowly slit large cuts along my arms. From my wrists all the way up to my shoulder. Large amounts of blood oozing out of my wounds, and the pain being unbearable and burning.

_'It wont last for long' _

I look down and the bloodstained knife and start shaking bringing it up to my neck.

Gritting my teeth trying to keep myself from scream, I push the knife against my neck drawing some blood. Before I could go any further, I hear a knock on the bathroom door.

"Fratello are you still in there? Are you ok?"

Crap! It's Feliciano! And by the sound of his voice, he sounds very worried.

_'Who cares...It's not like he would care anyway..'_

I look down at the ground. 'Your right...Of course he wouldn't, same as everyone else..'

"Go away Feli, I'm alright..." I answer back.

"A-are you sure? You've been in there for a while now. Nonno and I are getting worried."

"...Yes, I am. Tell him I'm just fine."

"Ok, well if you need help or anything just ask." After a bit of silence on both ends of the door, I heard him turn around and leave. His footsteps disappearing.

Taking a deep sigh, I lean against the wall running a hand through my hair and give a weak smile.

"I'm so sorry Feli...But It looks like you can't help me this time." Bringing the knife to my neck again "Goodbye." I take my last few breaths before cutting my neck open. I drop the knife and fall on the floor with a loud **'THUMP'** blood pooling around me.

My vision starting to get fuzzy. The last thing I hear was a few panicking voices along with the sound of the door breaking, before blacking out.

* * *

It was dark and cold. So dark that not even a shimmer of light touched it, and without such light couldn't bring such warmth. Just a hollow and empty space. All alone with no one but myself.

_'Alone again it seems..'_

But it's no so bad, after all being alone is much better than being with others. At least to me it is. It means that no one can bother you, or hurt you in anyway. Loneliness is my sanctuary from the outside world. My own personal bubble that I can be in, for myself and not have to worry about anything.

But also that loneliness can bring me pain, just like everything else does. The word by itself makes my heart ache and crumple into a thousand pieces. Why does such a word exist?

I close my eyes and sigh, 'I don't have to worry about any of that anymore, so there no point in thinking about it.' Yep that's right, I finally was able to kill myself. Never having to face anyone that could hurt me, this is wonderful. Live was such a pain anyway, even if it wasn't just bullying.

I was one of those types of students who failed on every single test or quiz I took. Or if I ran into one of my tormentors early in the morning and was late.

Yep, that was my old life, but not anymore. I could get use to this..

_"Lovino!"_

Huh?

_"F-fratello. P-please wake up!"_

What the!?

_"Come on Lovino, please!"_

Those voices sound a lot like..Feli and nonno! But why? Why are there voices here? Maybe they are just memories or something of my old life. Yeah that's probably what it is! Before I could question any further, a beam of light flashed through the room.

"W-what the hell is that?" Hesitantly walking towards the light, the voices get louder and loud with every step I took. As I did so the light began the engulf me turning my surroundings pure white.

"Ah.." I groan, my head feeling like it was just hit with a large brick. Cracking open my eyes slightly, I take a look at my surroundings. A small sized room completely covered in white with a few chairs, a small night stand, two beds, and a heart monitor..

_'Wait what..!?'_

"Lovino you're awake!" Looking over at the voice that said my name, I saw a grinning Feli and my nonno rushing at me and hugging me tightly in a large embrace. I look at me, unable to move.

Wanting to say something, I open my mouth but all that came out was a muffled noise as well as a burning sensation in my throat causing me to go into a large fits of coughing.

Handing me a glass of water, Feli sits beside me on the bed giving me a sad smile.

Drinking the water, the burning in my throat finally disappears.

"The doctors say that you will be able to be released in couple days." Nonno says, looking at me.

Giving my a quick glance, I set the glass on the night stand and look at my hands not wanting to look him in the eyes.

"And Lovino..When we get home, I want you to tell me why you did this. Understand?"

I simply give him a nod, still not daring to look up.

"Good. You should get as much rest as you can so you can get better."

I give him another nod, and lay back down into the bed. A few minutes later nonno and Feli left, leaving me alone in the room to slowly start falling asleep to the sound of the heart monitor.

* * *

A/N: I hope you enjoyed the first chapter. And sorry for not updating it a bit sooner and all of that. R&R~


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

It's been a whole week since that day. The day that I tried to rid myself from the god forsaken world that I live in. The day that I could finally get rid of all of these emotions that were eating me alive. Pain, loneliness, sorrow...I wanted it all gone.

But that is not what I got. Instead, I survived my attempts to kill myself. And now because of that, I have to deal with it all, again. I never wanted this! But it seems like fate just loves to fuck with me.

Right as of this moment I am just lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling thinking about my failure. A few days ago I was able to be released from the hospital. I wasn't really happy about that, not that I would actually want to stay there. But I knew that there were going to be questions for my previous actions.

And a lot...

But no matter how many questions they asked, I didn't answer one. I was to lost in my own mind to pay heed to them. Eventually they gave up and everyone grew silent the rest of the trip home.

'And not to mention I have school tomorrow..' I groaned at the thought. Great, just fucking great this is just what I needed! I completely forgot that i had school tomorrow. I have to see those shit faces again! The ones who made me and pushed me to my limit! The one who bullied me constantly to the point to where I what to commit suicide...and to try it...

I glanced over to my clock. '12:00' midnight. Turning my attention back up to the ceiling my eyes started to get heavy. I was dead tired, not to mention since I didn't get any sleep yesterday. I was too depressed to sleep, even though that is always my method to escaping this world other than suicide. I just wasn't up to it. Nor was I up to eating anything either.

I haven't eaten for the last few days. I'd just tell them I already did and go up to my room.

Feeling my eyes get heavier and heavier with each passing second, I finally let they drop and carry me into a deep slumber.

_I am really not looking forward to this..._

* * *

The loud beeping sound of my alarm clock was the first thing I heard that morning. Groaning, I reach over and slam my fist on the alarm.

_'God I hate that thing...'_

Instead of getting up, I bury my face in my pillow and sigh. 'Perhaps if I fake being sick they'll let me stay home..But that probably won't work since-'

A sudden knocking at my door cut me off. Knowing full well who it was I just remain silent. I really don't want to have to deal with him this morning, or anyone for that matter. Sadly the knocking continued and gradually got louder before it finally stopped.

"Lovino, it's time to get up and ready for school so hurry up or you'll be later again." Nonno said on the other end or the door. After a while the sound of footsteps disappeared leaving me to lie there.

Knowing fully well of what would happen if I don't get up soon, I forget about the excuse and slowly start to get ready.

Grabbing all of my books and my bag I walk down the stairs into the kitchen where i'm greeted by a rushed Feli, who runs right passed me.

"What are you in such a rush for?" I ask. He quickly replies to me while he puts his shoes on.

"I'm going to be late meeting up with Luddy and Kiku! If i'm not there in time, Luddy is going to be anger at me. I'll see you later fratello! Bye!" And with that he runs out the door, leaving me alone to stand there.

"Yeah...Bye..." I say. Sighing I walk into the kitchen. Of course, and there goes Feli. Running away to go and join his friends while i'm just here with nothing. I'm jealous of him on how he has everything and me on how I don't. Looking down at my feet, I walk into the kitchen where nonno was.

"There you are, hurry and get something to eat I have a meeting early this morning and i can't be late." He asks.

Oh shit I forgot, Feli is usually with us when we drive to school and now that he is with him friends I have to shit in that god forsake car alone with him. I just hope nothing about my attempted suicide or anything school related comes up.

"Um..No it's ok i'm not hungry, lets just get going." I say, causing him to look at me.

"You sure?"

I simply nod, hoping to just get this over with.

Getting into the passenger seat, nonno starts up the care and begins to back out of the driveway. Most of the drive was in uncomfortable silence. I really want to say something, but if I do it might turn into something completely different so I decided to stay quiet.

"So..how has school been for you?" Nonno asked me. God damn it! I was really hoping that we would be silent the rest of the ways there. But not only that, it was a school question.

"Oh... Yeah it's going fantastic..." I mumble out. He glance over to me and turns his attention back to the road.

"Are you sure?" He asks, obviously knowing something is up.

"Yes." I lie, a hint of annoyance in my voice.

"Because I recently had a talk with your teachers and-"

"You what!?" I say cutting him off.

"I had a talk with your teachers, and they say you are doing very poorly in class. Either from back sassing them to napping during an important lesson. Not to mention you are fail all of your tests and questions. Why is that? Why is it that you are doing this to yourself!? Don't you care about your grades? Your future, what about that? Don't you care at all!?" He questions, his voice growing louder each second.

I didn't reply, because to be honest i really didn't have an answer for him. I just continued to look out the car window which only made him grow angrier.

"Lovi answer me! Why are you doing this to yourself!?" Nothing...

Knowing I won't answer he just sighs and focuses on the road again.

"Why can't you be more like your brother..?" He mumbles, causing my eyes to widen. D-did he really just say that..? No...Why...Why must everyone tell me this..?

"He's smart, gets him work done and on time, he's polite and not rude, he doesn't you profanity like you do an-"

"Let me out.."

"What?"

"I said..to let me out of the car.."

"I'm sorry but I-"

"I SAID NOW!"

And with that nonno parks near the curve and I quickly grab my stuff and get out of the car, slamming the door behind me. I ignored that sound of my nonno calling to me and I continued to walk, my head hanging low and tear threatening to fall.

Why must everyone say that to me? I know that i'm nothing like him and that I never will. And I know that no one will ever like me or want me as a friend. So why must everyone keep telling me this? Why...?

While I was deep into thought, I accidentally run into something causing me to land square on my ass as well as the stranger. Says curse words under my breath, I rub my sore behind.

"Oh, Dios mío! I'm so sorry about that! Here let me help you up." Glancing up, I noticed a hand outstretched towards me. The man, who's hand it belong to had short curly brown hair, green eyes, and lightly tanned skin. To be honest he was kind of handsome..Wait..._what the fuck did I just say!?_

Frowning, I pick myself off the ground and turn to the stranger.

"Watch where you are going next time, stronzo!" I said trying to sound as pissed as I could, but what I didn't expect was for him to smile at me.

"Haha, I guess I should though huh? My bad, but you are ok though right?" Did he just ask me..if i'm alright.

"Of course i'm not. You just ran into me and knocked me on my ass! It hurt a lot!"

"Y-yeah, again i'm really sorry about that~" He says nervously. I just roll my eyes and continue walking, school starts in 5 minutes but it's not like I care if i'm late to be honest. Hearing footsteps beside me I look up and see that annoying guy from a few seconds ago walking next to me, with a large smile plastered on his face.

"W-what the hell do you think you are doing!?" I ask, he looks over at me still smiling.

"I'm walking with you~"

"Why!?"

"Well why not~"

"Because I don't want you to that's why!"

He continues to look at me with that stupid grin. It was really starting to make me uncomfortable!

"So what is your name?" He says. I look at him as if he had two head. Did he seriously just ask me that.

"It's none of your damn business!"

"Aw come on, please~"

"...It's Lovino..Lovino Vargas.." I mumble.

"Aw what a cute name~ My name is Antonio. Antonio Fernandez Carriedo. It's nice to meet you Lovi~!" He says. What the hell did he just call me!?

"Don't call me that you bastardo! And why they hell are you following me anyway?" He looked at me and gave me a wide grin. How the hell is he not angry about me calling him name? Usually everyone is..

"Hmm, I'm not sure really~" I stare at him in shock. This ass hole is just following me for no reason what so ever, what the hell! This guy is really starting to piss me off!

Before I could say anything else the bell rings signaling that I was late. I let out a groan and start to walk faster, while Antonio right behind me.

"Ah so you go here too? That's great news!"

"Oh yeah, how..?"

He smiles "Because I just moved here~!"

* * *

_A/N: Ok sorry to have to end it here! I hope you all enjoyed that long chapter~ Don't forget to review dears! Until next time~!_


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